Day 2: Meaning behind your blog name

Well, the meaning behind my blog name is kind of obvious-Geoff and I are waiting on being blessed with our first child(affectionately called Baby C at this point).  And now that that's out of the way there's some things I need to get out.

Geoff and I are currently in Virginia at UVA's Medical Center with his father who has been given a really bad prognosis with cancer.  He's past the point of surgical or chemotheraputic interventions and now it's basically just a waiting game, basically just sitting around waiting for him to die (as crass as it  sounds, it's the truth).  The doctor's won't/can't quantify how long he has left, it could be days or it could be weeks, we just don't know.  It sucks to be in this position with him as it is very reminiscent of my grandfather's death 18 years ago.  The diagnosis came just before Christmas but the doctors wanted to wait until the new year to do treatment "because he didn't have enough money in his FSA to cover treatment."  Almost the exact same situation occurred those 18 years ago with my grandfather when the doctors told him to go home and enjoy Christmas and they'd start treatment afterwards.  Obviously, in both cases, the doctors were saints and wanted to allow these wonderful men to enjoy their potentially last holiday season and not be depressed through it.  I hate that Geoff and Candy (my mother-in-law) have to go through this and I hate that Sean, such a good man, has been given this prognosis.

I feel guilty at the same time because while Sean deteriorates, my dad is rebounding.  I know that it's a silly thing to be guilt ridden over, but at the same time I can't help but wonder why my dad can do well but Sean can't.  I'm also having guilty feelings because at this point, until proven otherwise, it is MY fault that Sean will never see his first grandchild as my body is the one that just won't work right.  I am hoping that this is my cycle so he at least will know that a grandchild is on the way and be comforted in that.  We are also working on getting Candy to move out to KY to be near us, for her sanity and ours, and trying to help her get her current home ready to *hopefully* sell.  If she cannot sell it for more than she owes on it ($600,000), she will basically just hand over the keys and walk away.  I hope that she has the strength to do what she needs to do and that we have the strength to help her through this while grieving on our own.

Because of all of this, I have decided that a return to church is what I need.  I am having a hard time spiritually on my own right now and really need the power of community to feel grounded again.  I feel that the power of prayer is working for my dad (which if you know me, is NOT something I would normally say), and I hope that in finding religion again I will finally find peace of mind.  We are going to attend the local Episcopal church.  It is a good balance between my Catholic faith and Geoff's lack of religious beliefs.