Day 10: Something you're afraid of

I am petrified of needles.  It started when I was about 2 or 3 and had to get a blood draw done.  The phlebotomist couldn't find any of my veins in my arm so s/he went into my jugular vein in my neck.  Because of that, I developed a huge fear of needles that has been a long road getting over.

To demonstrate how bad my fear is I will tell you one of my vaccination stories.  I was getting one of the Hepatitis series because a girl in my school had contracted the disease so it became required in our district.  I went to the doctor for the first shot and immediately started crying uncontrollably at the thought of the shot.  Once the doctor came into the room, I became almost paralyzed by fear until she started to come toward me to give me the shot.  My rational side knew that it would be just a five second pain and it would be over with quickly, but my irrational, fearful side told me that pain was imminent.  I immediately ran away from the doctor and tried to climb up on anything I could.  My mom had to hold me down for the shot and I bawled the entire time.  The kicker?  I was thirteen years old at the time.

Now, with dealing with trying to conceive with PCOS, I was put on an oral ovulation stimulating medicine, and an intramuscular trigger shot.  I attempted to have Geoff do the shot but when he seemed apprehensive about it I just grabbed the syringe and did it myself.  It was a huge step in facing my fear, but I sure hope this is the only time I have to do it!!

I am horrible at this, now I remember why I never succeeded!

So I'm in Virginia visiting with my mother-in-law and trying to help her sort out Sean's finances (apparently they kept them separate which was a HORRIBLE idea).  The mortgage company is already calling because the house was set to go into foreclosure in December and one of his credit card bills came in to the tune of $15k with a minimum payment of $700.  They are ridiculously in debt and Geoff is having a hard time coming to the realization that it is not his fault and there is nothing he can do about it.  They chose to purchase a $600,000 house, they chose to have expensive cars (a Honda Prelude and a Mercedes C-class).  He lives frugally and while they struggled making $135k+ per year, we survived and were able to still buy nice things on $22k last year.  Now that we're back up at the $61k we were accustomed to, we will be able to do nicely and pay off our credit cards (to the tune of $2400, no biggie) and my car (we owe $6,000) while padding up our savings account again.  I feel for Candy (MIL), but she is partially to blame for the financial problems they have and aided Sean in the spending.  They have no savings accounts, no will, and no 401(k) or IRA.  We have offered her a room in our house while she gets back on her feet, but I'm afraid she will try to turn it into a forever situation and that is the last thing I want.

I used my hCG trigger shot yesterday afternoon (meant to force ovulation) and for the first time since we started trying to conceive saw EWCM (egg-white cervical mucus, the most fertile kind!).  It is a silly thing to be excited about but I am hoping it is an omen that this cycle is going to work.  I got up the courage to stab myself in the ass with a needle when I'm a huge needle phobe, so I deserve it! (Joking....well, almost joking).  

The Trying to Get Pregnant (henceforth known as TTGP) board on the Bump has gotten ridiculous with their "rules and regulations" for posting on the board.  You cannot post a BFP (positive test result) on the board unless you have a certain number of people who recognize you.  You cannot post again on the board once you get pregnant because it's "offensive" to the "women" (I use that term loosely, anyone who posts on a message board forum about pregnancy and gets upset that others get pregnant is ridiculous) on the board who have been trying for a whopping 3-4 months.  I have no problem seeing pregnancy tickers, which is why I avoid the bump at all costs and post on a different board where I'm the .0001% that isn't pregnant.  I love reading advice they give to each other about the different aspects of pregnancy (I love to educate myself and what better way than hearing from people in the position I'm trying to get myself into?) and get so excited for them when their babies come.  It gives me hope that one day I'll be in their shoes and I know they'll be just as excited for me.  That is how a board should work, people being there for each other and telling the truth whether it is slightly painful or not.  I would rather hear someone tell me that something I say comes across really stupid than go on saying it and inadvertently offend someone.  The girls on my board have a reputation on the bump as being the "mean girls," but in truth, they are some of the nicest, most compassionate girls I have ever had the chance to know and I'm happy to have come across the board by lurking on the trimester boards on the bump.

Alright, now back to the days that I have missed with the blog challenge: Day 8: A place you've traveled to and Day 9: A picture of your friends

My favorite trips have always been to Jacksonville, FL.  I've never been anywhere really interesting, but going to Jacksonville is the best because that is where my Aunt Cindy lives.  We went for the first time when I was 10 and got to see Disney World for the first time as well as a visit to St. Augustine.  I have gone back 4 times since then and enjoyed every single one.  Aunt Cindy is one of my favorite aunts, and is an amazing cook.  Last time we went she got to really know Geoff for the first time (she was at the wedding but we had almost 250 guests so our time was limited with everyone).  She made a delicious sausage, corn, shrimp, and potato boil that was seasoned perfectly.  Going to Florida to see her has taught me what a boiled (or balled as my aunt says) peanut tastes like (gross, in case you're wondering), how funny it is when we go to the beach when it's 65 degrees out and my cousins have on parkas, and how much fun just going to visit family is.   Sorry that my place isn't too thrilling, I grew up in Western NY about 90 minutes from Niagara Falls, so that never thrilled me, and I've gone to Southern California and Tijuana but never enjoyed them as much as I enjoy going to Florida.

And I fail at day 9.  I don't have any pictures of my friends on this computer (Geoff's) or on FB and as I'm out of town, I have no access to my printed pictures.  I have to get on my brother to upload some of his because I have a really good one of me, Kenzie, my cousin Kristen, and Jenn on his camera.  I'll upload it as soon as he sends it to me.  

Day 7: Favorite movies

I have several movies that I would classify as a favorite, so I don't have an absolute favorite.

I love old musicals, specifically:
   

It has something to do with being in every musical theater production possible in High School.  

I also love Disney movies, my favorites among those being:


And then finally, there are my favorite comedies:


I have many, many more movies that I enjoy but those are the ones I could think of as favorites!


Off to Virginia tomorrow to help Candy plan Sean's funeral or memorial service, not sure which we're doing at this point.  Bought my hCG trigger shot today for a whopping $118 so keeping my fingers way crossed that this works!!!

Day 5: Your siblings Day 6: A picture of something that makes you happy

So I'm combining day 5 and 6 because, well, I didn't have much time to blog yesterday or today (meaning Wednesday or Thursday, I'll update Friday evening with the next day's post).

I have one sibling and he is an amazing brother.  He would do anything for me, and vice versa.  He's a year younger than me (1yr 1 mo and 2 days to be specific) so we're thisclose to being Irish Twins.  I am so proud of him and all that he does and could not ask for a better brother.  He's currently in school for Homeland Security (but thinking of changing to Criminal Justice with a minor in HS.  He wants to be in the Secret Service and I wish nothing but that for him because I know it would make him happy.  He is a huge classic rock lover and will pay you a dollar if you can name the title, singer, and band of a specific song (yup, singer AND band...Dennis DeYoung from Styx is one of the ones I ALWAYS get!).  I could go on for days about what a wonderful brother I have and I am so thankful he's in my life. Andplusalso he's an amazing photographer and will be doing my maternity photos once I get pregnant.

Brother, Greg, with the Gidge

Now for the photo of something that makes me happy: 

It's not the best picture but it's my puppies: Gidget, the chihuahua, and Baron the corgi.  Love them!




And on a sad note, my father-in-law passed away today due to the cancer having spread throughout his body.  I pray that he found peace and will miss him.

Day4: Your parents

My parents are the most wonderful people I know.  They have always supported me, even when I was a teenager and would have bitter fights with my mom she was always there when I needed her.  My dad is currently undergoing chemotherapy for anal/rectal cancer, and this is a very hard time for my family, but with our support of each other it is going much more smoothly.

Mom was born in Rochester, NY in 1959.  She is the youngest of 3 girls with her oldest sister being 9 years older and her "younger" sister being 5 years older.  She was shy in high school and didn't really play sports or participate in plays or anything, just attended school and got good grades.  After high school, mom began attending college at the Rochester Institute of Technology (ironically, the same college that my husband attended) for sign language interpretation.

Dad was born in Rochester in 1960 and was the baby of the family for 11 years before the arrival of his youngest sibling, Kyle.  Dad also has 3 older sisters, all of them born within about a year of each other.  He was the typical "jock" in high school, lettering in Soccer, Swimming, and Baseball.  After finishing high school, dad was offered a scholarship to SUNY Geneseo (affectionately referred to as the "Harvard of the SUNY system") but chose to join the Army instead.

Though my parents knew each other pretty much their whole lives (Mom graduated and was friends with dad's older sister), they never really "hung out" until after dad got out of the Army.  It wasn't that they didn't like each other, just Dad was the popular jock and Mom was the shy older girl.  After Dad got out of the army he ran into my mother again and began "stalking" her (in her words, not mine).  She would be at the grocery store and he'd just randomly show up.  She would be walking around the block and he'd randomly drop by.  Eventually, he got the courage to ask her on a date and they got married in April of 1983.  Several months later, they conceived their first child (me!) and I was born in July of 1984.  About 4 months after I was born my brother was conceived and we are very close to being "Irish Twins" as he was born in August of 1985.

I love my parents more than anything in the world and would do anything for them, just as I know they would do anything for me.  In Summer 2007, Geoff and I moved 9 hours away from my family which was the hardest decision I ever had to make, and 2 years later Mom and Dad decided to move to Kentucky with us (Dad's current job is based out of WV, about an hour's drive from their current home).  I love having my parents close and the relationship that I continue to have with them.  I know they will be amazing grandparents and I look forward to seeing the joy on their faces when I finally get pregnant and can give them a grandbaby.  I am also optimistic about my Dad's prognosis, because even though it was staged at stage IV, they did not do a PET scan, just MRI's.  I am hopeful that it was staged wrong and that he is able to beat this cancer.  He is a strong man and has a great family support system which helps immensely.  He is also doing very well during the course of Chemotherapy and his latest MRI, though not necessarily indicative of anything, looked good.

Day 3: Your first love

Well, technically my first love was my husband, Geoff, but I know that is a boring thing to say.  I guess my first crush was in 4th grade, his name was Scott.  We were friends all the way through high school and he played soccer with my brother.  My first "love," not really love but just teenage infatuation was Matt.  We dated during the summer of 2001 and it was one of the most memorable times of my life, despite it's bitter ending.

Matt and I knew each other basically our whole lives.  His dad was the local Sparky the Firedog and he was a good friend of my father's.  We didn't remember each other when we started working together but became close very quickly (he even went on to tell me that he remembered having played Sparky in a local parade and flirting with me).  He had previously dated a girl from my school and she and I were, well, not the best of friends, so when he and I started dating she started spreading nasty rumors about me at work (mind you, this was a small town and there weren't many places to work so a majority of us worked at a rest stop on the NYS Thruway).  I had always been a little chubby so when this adorable guy who all the girls wanted started flirting with me, I was in seventh heaven and didn't know what to do.

In August, he and I started being more "serious," spending tons of time together in and out of work, holding hands, the whole shebang.  I considered him my boyfriend, though I would come to know he didn't consider me the same.  He was leaving for the US Air Force in September, and we were practically inseparable until he left.  We both got cellular phones when he was leaving so we could keep in touch, and luckily school was starting up again so I had a distraction while he was going through basic training.  (Un)fortunately, his flight was set to leave 9/11/2001 and I was petrified that his flight was one of the ones that was hijacked (though looking back on it, his flight was Buffalo, NY to TX, he wouldn't have been anywhere near NYC, DC, or PA).   Our mutual friend picked me up from work the next day and told me he had a surprise for me, but wouldn't tell me where we were going or what the surprise was.  About 15 minutes later we pulled down Matt's road, and there he was in the middle of the driveway at his parent's house just waiting for us to arrive.  I was so excited to see him home and the next three days are a blur of the two of us just spending time together.  He left on September 14th, 2001 for basic and I (obviously) did not hear from him for those 8 weeks.  They were torture but I talked to his parents frequently and knew that he was doing well.

That November, Matt returned home from basic training for a visit.  I was so excited, but little did I know I'd have my first real heartbreak that day.  We were set to go out to dinner with friends, and one of them stopped me outside the restaurant and told me that Matt was now engaged to a girl he'd met in TX and was going to tell me that night.  I was devastated.  Here I had put my heart out on the line with someone I really cared about and he didn't even have the decency to break up with me himself?  On top of that, I later found out that a rumor I had heard about him using me to win a bet (whether I would have sex with him or not) was true, and he just had denied it  because he cared for me.

Over the next year I worked on getting over him and moving on with my life.  I gained a substantial amount of weight before I went to college (nearly 100 lbs that I have never lost-I am currently at 120 lbs. over my lowest adult weight) but I learned how to be happy with myself after meeting several new people at school.  Matt and I became friends again, I found him irresistible even after all that he had put me through, and our friendship continued until right about the time when I got married, when he considered me "off-limits."  We still talk once in a while but not anything near as much as we talked before I met Geoff.  I still consider him a friend and I am delighted that he finally found someone he loved enough to marry.  I will always remember him fondly despite our past and will always love him just a little.  I'm glad for the lessons that our relationship taught me and have absolutely no regrets about anything.   I now have a wonderful husband I wouldn't trade for anything in the world, and I finally know what REAL love is.

Day 2: Meaning behind your blog name

Well, the meaning behind my blog name is kind of obvious-Geoff and I are waiting on being blessed with our first child(affectionately called Baby C at this point).  And now that that's out of the way there's some things I need to get out.

Geoff and I are currently in Virginia at UVA's Medical Center with his father who has been given a really bad prognosis with cancer.  He's past the point of surgical or chemotheraputic interventions and now it's basically just a waiting game, basically just sitting around waiting for him to die (as crass as it  sounds, it's the truth).  The doctor's won't/can't quantify how long he has left, it could be days or it could be weeks, we just don't know.  It sucks to be in this position with him as it is very reminiscent of my grandfather's death 18 years ago.  The diagnosis came just before Christmas but the doctors wanted to wait until the new year to do treatment "because he didn't have enough money in his FSA to cover treatment."  Almost the exact same situation occurred those 18 years ago with my grandfather when the doctors told him to go home and enjoy Christmas and they'd start treatment afterwards.  Obviously, in both cases, the doctors were saints and wanted to allow these wonderful men to enjoy their potentially last holiday season and not be depressed through it.  I hate that Geoff and Candy (my mother-in-law) have to go through this and I hate that Sean, such a good man, has been given this prognosis.

I feel guilty at the same time because while Sean deteriorates, my dad is rebounding.  I know that it's a silly thing to be guilt ridden over, but at the same time I can't help but wonder why my dad can do well but Sean can't.  I'm also having guilty feelings because at this point, until proven otherwise, it is MY fault that Sean will never see his first grandchild as my body is the one that just won't work right.  I am hoping that this is my cycle so he at least will know that a grandchild is on the way and be comforted in that.  We are also working on getting Candy to move out to KY to be near us, for her sanity and ours, and trying to help her get her current home ready to *hopefully* sell.  If she cannot sell it for more than she owes on it ($600,000), she will basically just hand over the keys and walk away.  I hope that she has the strength to do what she needs to do and that we have the strength to help her through this while grieving on our own.

Because of all of this, I have decided that a return to church is what I need.  I am having a hard time spiritually on my own right now and really need the power of community to feel grounded again.  I feel that the power of prayer is working for my dad (which if you know me, is NOT something I would normally say), and I hope that in finding religion again I will finally find peace of mind.  We are going to attend the local Episcopal church.  It is a good balance between my Catholic faith and Geoff's lack of religious beliefs.

Day 1

Well, today is day 1 of the 30 day blog challenge:  Introduce, recent picture, 15 interesting facts


I'm a 26 year old mommy-wannabe and part-time college student.  My husband, Geoff is 27 and a Mechanical Engineer for Corning, Inc. (specifically he's a Forming Process Engineer).  We've had some major ups and downs in our past but have worked through them all and, with a little help from a marriage counselor, our marriage is stronger than ever and we are so ready to be parents.  We've been "officially trying" (a.k.a. charting and timing intercourse around ovulation) since March 2010, but never really prevented pregnancy after we got married 3 1/2 years ago.  I talked to my OB/GYN in October about our seeming inability to get pregnant and she ordered CD 3 bloodwork and a base ultrasound where it was discovered that I have Insulin Resistant PCOS and I had a large cyst on my left fallopian tube that needed to be removed (as of the ultrasound it measured at nearly 7 inches in diameter) through laparoscopic surgery scheduled for 11/25.  


Following the surgery, I was told that I had stage III Endometriosis and that my tubes were now clear and ready to conceive.  I was told at my follow up appointment to call back at the start of the next cycle to set up a follicle check and see where to go from there.  At the follicle check I was devastated to learn that I had absolutely no activity on my ovaries (with the exception of the right one being obviously polycystic) and that I probably do not ovulate regularly despite having a seemingly regular cycle.  I was under the impression that if you do not ovulate, your charts will not show a temperature spike.  After some research I learned that it IS possible to have "normal" cycles with PCOS, they just tend to vary greatly from cycle to cycle (mine vary between 27 and 37 days so now I know that they are considered irregular).  I also learned that with PCOS a temperature chart can be misleading so I am not sure if I have ovulated at all over the last 10 months.


Now, I am on day 2 of Clomid, the first step in infertility treatment.  I have a monitoring appointment set up for next Thursday to see if there is any follicle growth and if there is, I will request either a follow-up ultrasound or a trigger shot depending on how large they are.  I was surprised that my OB/GYN offered monitoring appointments for Clomid as there are many women who are just given the drug and told "good luck".  I feel very fortunate to have found Dr. Karon and look forward to having her as my doctor for several years to come.  Geoff and I discussed what we are willing to do as far as treatment goes and we are going to give Dr. Karon until the summer to see if she can get us pregnant.  If she cannot, we will be looking into one of the local Reproductive Endocrinologists in order to get a new course of action.  We are confident that one of these first treatment cycles will be a success and Geoff is going to get a Semen Analysis as soon as our new insurance policy kicks in just to be sure that we are doing all that we can.

This is my most recent pic of myself-I've gained some weight since then and hope to get back to this weight asap!  

Now for 15 things about me:

1) I used to coach boys 18 and under soccer with my dad-it was one of the best times of my life.

2) My husband was also my first real boyfriend-I dated but never seriously before him.

3) My parents affectionately refer to my house as "the zoo" because I have 2 cats and 2 dogs (and I used to have a chinchilla!)

4) When I was a kid all I ever wanted to be was a Pediatrician but now that I'm an adult I can't see myself as anything but a SAHM (though I do go to school so I can be a nurse).

5) I'm petrified of heights, I can't even look at a picture of my mom at the Grand Canyon without getting freaked out, but my favorite rides at an amusement park are roller coasters-the higher the better.

6) I have a huge collection of Disney movies and other children's movies-and I watch them.

7) I am a research junkie-if there is something I'm curious about or wanting to do (having children for example), I research every aspect of it.

8) Science is my favorite subject, specifically any Biological science.  I took Microbiology for the fun of it.

9) I'm very shy but it manifests itself in a way that makes me seem outgoing-I talk...a LOT.

10) I love dogs but I'm afraid of the Sharpei breed.  It has something to do with working at PetSmart in the grooming department and never having a nice one to bathe-they all growled and bared their teeth and I had to refuse them for my safety.

11) I love house hunting.  I've bought my own house, helped my mom and dad find theirs, and I'm currently shopping around for a new one closer to where Geoff works. 

12) I want a minivan.  I always swore I would never drive one but as my desire to be a mommy grows so does my desire to have a minivan (I want 4 kids so something big will be necessary).

13) I have type II Bipolar Disorder that tends to manifest itself in depression (I've only had maybe 1 manic episode but no doctor is willing to re-look objectively now that a diagnosis has been made).  

14) I never thought I'd get married and have kids-I was chronically single until I turned 20 and always thought I would be that way forever.

15) I'm a Moderate who leans Republican but I look at all sides of an issue before making a decision. I never just vote along party lines and I loathe Sarah Palin.

30 Days of posts

I've seen this on several different blogs and decided to do it as well.  I'm not the best at writing things down but I'm hoping that through doing this I'll learn to write out my feelings instead of bottling them up.


This is a list of the 30 different topics over the 30 days:
Day 1: Introduce, recent picture, 15 interesting facts
Day 2: Meaning behind your blog name
Day 3: Your first love
Day4: Your parents
Day 5: Your siblings
Day 6: A picture of something that makes you happy
Day 7: Favorite movies
Day 8: A place you've traveled to
Day 9: A picture of your friends
Day 10: Something you're afraid of
Day 11: Favorite TV shows
Day 12: What you believe
Day 13: Goals
Day 14: A picture you love
Day 15: Bible verse
Day 16: Dream House
Day 17: Something you are looking forward to
Day 18: Something you regret
Day 19: Something you miss
Day 20: Nicknames
Day 21: Picture of yourself
Day 22: Favorite City
Day 23: Favorite vacation
Day 24: Something you've learned
Day 25: Put your iPod on Shuffle- First 10 songs
Day 26: Picture of your family
Day 27: Pets
Day 28: Something that stresses you out
Day 29: Wishes
Day 30: A picture