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Well, a lot of things have happened since my last post. My father passed away on April 5th at 4:30am following his long battle with cancer. While we weren't surprised that he passed, we were surprised at the time he did. On the 3rd, he was sitting up in bed chatting with the family and his best friend, drinking a lot of water, and even ate a cookie. On the 4th, he was sleeping a lot but we associated the sleep with how active he was the day before. I assisted the Nurse Aide in giving him his bath and he awoke several times during the day to urinate and ask my mother what time it was. About an hour after I left him on that day, his breathing slowed and became more labored, and my aunt (who is a nurse) told mom to call me and get me back so I could say goodbye. As heart wrenching as it was to be with him at that time, I'm glad I got to say goodbye and tell him that it was ok to go. I left shortly after to go back to my aunt's house to get some sleep (I took a Tylenol PM) and was awoken at 6:30 by my mother telling me that dad had passed. The next 4 days are a blur of family, close friends, laughter, and tears. We had a beautiful service for dad on the 8th, leaving to his favorite classical piece of music: "1812 Overture."
I had another IUI on the 25th and 26th of March, and found out first on the day of Dad's funeral service, and again today that it was a failure. I had kind of hoped that it would work, but in a way, I'm kind of glad it didn't. I had 2 follicles and Geoff had 40mil/ml of sperm both times, so there is no reason I can think of that it wouldn't have worked other than my weight. With all of the stress of the last year, I gained about 40 lbs since August and I am now going to work to take them (plus some) off. I feel that maybe if I lose the weight, I will regain fertility and not have to pay to have a baby. I am currently at an embarrassing 270 lbs, and would like to get back to where I was at my wedding, 212 lbs, by my cousin Karen's wedding in October. I am joining Weight Watchers this week or next with Danielle and know that I will stick to it this time. I want to be healthy, this time it isn't because someone said I was fat, or because I think Geoff deserves an attractive wife, it's because I don't like how I look or feel, and think it's time for a change.
The last couple of days have really sunk into me how important the weight loss is. While I don't think that it was responsible for my father's cancer, I now know, after much research, that cancer can be caused by obesity. I also had a scare of my own tonight when I had severe chest pain and shortness of breath at the movie theater. I went by ambulance to the hospital and was on oxygen the whole time with an EKG consistently hooked to me. The time it took to get to the hospital and get diagnosed was an eternity to me, and I rated my pain at a 9-10/10 at the time. My biggest fear was my heart, and I was embarrassed that at 26 years old, I was scared to death that I was having a heart attack. It was a big wake-up call to me that I need to stop procrastinating, making excuses, and being lazy and just lose the weight. The diagnosis at the hospital came back that I just had chest wall pain (which can be caused by a variety of things), and a severe panic attack caused by the pain, but even then, it struck a cord in me that realized just how bad my health could be with these 100 extra pounds.
A little background on where my weight problems started (though I admit 100% they are my fault). When I was in middle school, I had a lot of "baby fat" and was very short. I looked very pudgy but had never been that way before, and it really took a toll on me. The kids in my class were brutal and picked on me constantly for it, to the point where I would change in a bathroom stall in gym class so none of the girls had to see any part of my body besides my arms. I refused to even wear shorts, I always wore pants and men's t-shirts in order to hide my body. The summer between 8th and 9th grade, I had a growth spurt and at the same time started playing Jr. Varsity soccer, which, during preseason, was a very fitness intensive time. I was exercising for about 4 hours per day at least, sometimes 6, and barely had time to eat much so when I ate it was always healthy. During that year, I went from the pudgy little girl to a very slim teenager, but all anyone could remember (including me) was the fat girl that once existed. When I got the confidence to wear shorts or a skirt, I was made fun of for thinking that it could possibly look good. I was basically tortured in high school and made to feel like I would never be thin enough. I was able to maintain my size 6 figure all through high school, and even was a size 3 at one point, but was always considered one of the "fat girls."
At 17, I finally had my first boy who showed any interest in me. I had embarrassed myself with so many boys before then and fell head first for him. He told me I was beautiful and made me feel like I had finally found acceptance. My best friend at the time was his ex-girlfriend's cousin, so when she told me that he had made a bet that he could have sex with me before he left for basic training in the Air Force, I told her she was just jealous and to deal with the fact that he cared about me now. Even so, I was worried and never had sex with him, I didn't want to lose my virginity to someone I wasn't sure about and I was definitely not going to do it after only a month or two of dating. Come November, I thought we had a good relationship and we talked on the phone all.the.time, to the point where it was cheaper for me to get my own monthly plan than to stay with the pre-paid phone I had. He was due to come back from basic at that point for a visit and I could not have been more excited, but when he came home, a mutual friend pulled me aside and told me he said to tell me that he had found someone and was engaged. It literally broke my heart even though deep down I knew he wasn't right for me. I thought I had finally found someone who cared about me for me, and here he really didn't care. I started to gain weight at that point because in my mind, everyone thought I was fat anyway and I might as well be that way since nobody would ever love me. By the end of my Senior year, I weighed 200 lbs (up from my low weight earlier that year of 155).
Then I started college and the bipolar disorder manifested. I got severely depressed and had no desire to leave my room at all, but my friends dragged me out to eat. I never exercised and literally lived in my bed unless I had an exam. In the middle of freshman year, I weighed about 220 and was at the point where I still thought nobody would ever love me or care even though I had a lot of friends and hung out with the men's soccer team all the time. I finally found another boy who cared about me (yet another Air Force guy, must be something about the uniform) and we hit it off right away after being introduced by a mutual friend originally from my hometown. While we were talking, I lost about 20 lbs because I was finally happy again, this adorable guy had found me attractive. Alas, even that wasn't meant to be, he was killed in action in September 2003 before we could ever really meet face-to-face (he planned to come see me in Buffalo after his deployment). My heart was yet again broken, only to be compounded by the sudden loss of my grandfather in February 2004, and I turned to my old comfort foods, macaroni and cheese and ice cream, and put on 35 lbs-putting me up to 235 by the end of sophomore year.
I dated scores of losers between early 2004 and November of that same year when I met Geoffrey. The biggest loser of all was a guy named Brian. He was attractive in a quirky way, but nothing special. He worked as a bus boy for Red Lobster and basically thought his shit didn't stink. I dated him for a couple of months because, yet again, he was a guy who found me attractive. Or so I thought, he later dumped me because he "deserved a more attractive, thinner girl." It hurt me to the core to know that I wasn't good enough just because of the weight, but I get the last laugh in that I am happily married and he is still a bus boy and miserably single.
When I met Geoff and we started dating, I immediately put my guard up and once things looked like they would be serious, I dumped him. I blamed it on my friends saying he seemed ok (apparently ok was code for dump him?) but in all actuality it was because I was so insecure and scared that he'd dump me for somebody better I didn't even give him the time. After a major guilt trip from my mom, who loved him even then, I decided to call him and give us another try, and I am so glad that I did. He has been supportive of my losing weight through all these 6 years, and loves me unconditionally. We have had our major ups and downs but have gotten through them all, sometimes with the help of marital counseling.
I feel terrible that his poor heart is so broken by my inability to get pregnant, and would love to give him the child he deserves more than anything. I know that I am only 26 and that there is plenty of time to have kids, but for some reason I had always hoped to have 4 kids by 30 and it just hurts to know that my dream won't be realized and that I may not even have 1 by 30. I always dreamed of being a young mom like mine was (24 when she had me), so adjusting my dreams is difficult. I wouldn't do this any other way though. I know that if I continue to TTC (once Geoff gets home from Taiwan in May) I will never lose the weight because I would say every month "but losing weight isn't good for a fetus." I have been doing this for over a year and need to get myself out of that mindset. If I lose the weight, I may get rid of the PCOS and insulin resistance, which would make for a much less high-risk pregnancy, and I would also be able to feel better during pregnancy than I imagine I would now. I am hoping that all of this work I'm setting out to do won't be in vain, but even if it is, I know I will be in a better place emotionally and physically. If IVF is the only way I can have a child, at least by losing the weight now I won't have to try to do it under the pressure of not being able to do IVF until I lose some of it.
I hope to be at 200 lbs or less by Christmas next year if I am not pregnant. I was, like I said, at 212 at my wedding and felt that I looked pretty good , and my goal weight is 160-170 lbs. I cannot wait to feel that my clothes look good again and I can't wait to feel the energy I used to have and be able to walk up a flight of stairs without losing my breath. Sorry this got so long to anyone who read it, I didn't realize how much I had to get off of my chest!
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